The Pusher

It's amazing what a little 'push' can do. It caused Humpty Dumpty to fall off a wall... but why would all the kings horses try and put him back together again? Was he the only one who knew how to make the king's favorite omelette? I never quite understood that.

A little 'push' allows you to learn about physics from a piece of rubber attached to two chains hanging from a crossbeam.

A little 'push' can also alter the rest of your life. And, I never got that 'push'.

When I was 18 or so, I had ambitions. I had desires. I had an idea what I would love to be when I grew up. But, I didn't have a CLUE as to how to go about achieving them. Sure, I went to college but it didn't end up being exactly what I was looking for.

I was out on my own though. I was adrift without a paddle, and definitely without a map. And the thing is, I didn't know how to sail. No one taught me anything about sailing. Starboard? Don't have a clue.

I didn't have anyone who knew what I wanted and would say, "Look! There's what you're looking for... now go get it!" That's all I needed. But, there was no one there.

What could I have become? Where could I be now? It could've been bad. But it could've just as easily been good.

I have two trains I could've caught. Music, and comedy.

I had a couple of guitars by the time I went to college. But, no one encouraged me to play when I was at home. I didn't know anyone else who played, and I really didn't have the best guitars, but they were guitars! I have the type of personality that can handle playing to an audience of twelve for years. I understand about honing your craft. I also understand that making a career from music is mostly about luck. I know some of the most amazing musicians who've never really been heard!

So, I've always felt I could'a been a contenda... could have gone somewhere in music. Turns out I have a decent rock voice, and I definitely have the passion. But, now that I'm at a point where I have the understanding of the knowledge... I'm too frickin' old.

And, then there's comedy. For some reason, lately I've been reading and watching the Monty Python boys' early days. The days when they were in college writing for the annual school variety show. Then moving on to write gags for others on TV. Being asked to help write a radio show, then being asked to write a TV show, a movie... until they all found themselves on the same program.

As a teen and an early 20's dude, I didn't have anyone that could give me that gentle 'push' into writing. I did write, or attempt to write, funny stuff. But, I was mostly rewriting other funny things that I heard. And, my acting was totally bizarro horrible. I never did plays in school, and maybe I should have. I was asked by a teacher to audition, but couldn't see myself getting up there and doing it. I was too unsure of myself. I didn't have anyone in my corner saying "You can do it!"

I've never had anyone in my corner telling me I could do anything. Except to tell me that I could mow the lawn; or bring in the firewood; or feed the chickens. I was told those things a lot. But, no one was that supportive of what was inside me. And, that hurts. Even today, it hurts. My dad has hinted that he knows he neglected me, but he was busy trying to find a woman who could live with us four kids!

See, my mom died when I was 11 years old. My dad married very quickly afterwards. It didn't last long. He married again not quite as quickly, after that. That one lasted a couple of horrible years. Then after that, he may have waited a whole two years before tying the knot. But, found himself single again 18 months later. After THAT one, he waited awhile. He fell in love quickly, but they waited. This time, it's lasted. Twenty-five years this summer... but, my point is, he wasn't available to me in those 'formative' years.

We had moved a lot when we were kids. I mean a lot. Military a lot. Even though my dad wasn't in the military. He was in something worse. The banking business. Every 2 years he was being transferred. I was in 5 schools in my 12 years of schooling. Six if you want to count college. By the time I hit high school I couldn't play the game anymore. I couldn't do the "friends" thing, only to lose them a year afterwards. So, in high school I had very few friends. I did my homework, fed the chickens, and watched Monty Python on Friday nights, and Saturday Night Live on Saturday nights, and Johnny Carson whenever I possibly could.

I was trying to play music; trying to write funny stuff; trying to find the thing that satisfied my soul. I never really did. I found a trade, sure. And, I'm really good at it. But, with the computer age, it's kinda left a lot of us "older" people behind. I find myself laughing at fate and how it's left me behind. And I recognize that it's all my fault, I was so busy trying to make a living that I let the industry pass me by.

So, here I am. I talk to kids that I meet about what they REALLY want out of their lives. And, I see myself in many of them; afraid to actually speak their dreams out loud. Sometimes when I talk to them, I see them glance at their parents. Almost as if they're tattling on someone, or telling a family secret. It's their secret, and they don't want to let it out for fear of being laughed at. The fear of being told that it'll never happen. That it's simply safer to lay in bed at night and dream about it.

I don't want them to keep it inside. I keep buggin' them. I want to be a 'pusher'. I want to push the "youngsters" in the direction they want to go, not the one "that'll work." I want to be a supporter, I really do. Not just someone who says "good job", but someone who's willing to drive a kid to play music with others and sit there and listen with a goofy smile on my face as they figure out the chords to "Mony Mony". Someone who'll read someone else's work, and offer suggestions and ONLY suggestions.

And, I still want to play and write. For me.