Being Used By An Friend

So, SHE just left. SHE is a friend who, if I were built differently, may be something more than a friend. This was the first time she'd visited my humble abode in the 7 years that we've been good friends. I'm sure that says something. Now, understand, I have no one in my life, and haven't now for 5 years.

We really are good, great, wonderful friends. She likes to do the text messaging. So, I will answer her in the same. Usually when it's late at night, it'll be "What're you doing?" When I answer back "Nothing." she'll start a conversation via text messaging. Many times, we have talked via the phone, but that's usually a 45 minutes conversation that ends with her asking me to drive across town to sit with her at her house and drink beer or wine with because she's lonely. I've declined as many times as I've said "okay".

I love this woman. Truly. I really love her. She thinks I'm hysterical; she thinks I'm gorgeous (after she's had a couple of beers); she finds me extremely talented in all the ways that matter to her. And, I think the same about her. She's got the body of a 21 year old (she's 44) (and yes, I've seen it); she's not a prude; we have a lot of the same desires in life. She's a talented singer. She leans more toward the smoky jazz vocals, but she can belt out the Pat Benatar too. She would like nothing more than to have me lead a jazz combo with her singing. But jazz guitar has too many fvking chords!!!

Tonight, she was using me for my music. It's happened to me before. Not through HER, but others that have gone before. She's putting songs on an iPod for her current beau, and is using my CD library to do so. In the past, I have actually gone so far as multi-tracking a song for the boyfriend of someone I cared about. Of course, she did the vocals... but that's how far I go for my friends. No matter where we stand. Or how much they hurt me when they left me!

So, it's really strange to think I have a reputation in this town. Apparently, a friend of mine, told her ex-boyfriend, who told HER current boyfriend, that SHE and I have something going on.

Now, both of us know that's not true. True, we've slept together, but that's what we've done... slept together. No sex. No heavy petting. But, it's gotten back to HER boyfriend that there's something between us. She was able to quell that storm, but wanted to make sure that there wasn't something that I was harboring... to stick with the coastal theme.

There isn't. I hold no torch, I'm not holding for HER, I'm not awaiting my 'turn'. Do I wish it would happen??? Probably. But, that's neither here nor there. We've had the discussion several times. And it always comes down to the same conclusion; what we have is too great a thing to risk for something temporary.

While it's true, if the current boyfriend does her wrong, I can see her taking refuge here at my place (now that she knows where I am!). But, again... it wouldn't last. SHE's not THE one for me. She's close. She's damn close. But, she's not the one. I know that; she knows that. But, we've been growing closer and closer lately, as friends. And, I think both of us are smart enough to realize that anything between us would be nothing more than fleeting.

If she were to come to me in the middle of the night saying all she wants is 12 hours of friends with benefits, nothing more... I'd probably give in. Afterall, I'm just a guy in man's clothing. I'm not THAT strong.